The days you were in Kansas City over Christmas are already blending to dizzying, fading to warm and soft, flickering lazily like candlelight in a quiet bar. They aren’t gone; they’ll always be part of me. Though I know you well and deeply, though you’ve seen my darkest aches and heard my whispered fears, this is still only the beginning. And, like all beginnings, it’s sharp and clear and vivid, even as it settles comfortably into the foundation of our life together.
Your visit was touching, always touching. ‘Even when I’m doing something else, I want you to know I’m thinking about you.’ My hand slipping naturally into yours at every first step, knowing your palm was open, waiting, expectant. Falling asleep wrapped up in you, the second of panic when I woke and you’d rolled six inches away, feeling your fingers clutch back even in your sleep. A gentle spank, a whispered tease that I’m a mess. What will you ever do with me?
The whole world spins and blurs to absolutely nothing but a droning background when I’m with you. It’s just your bright blue eyes and your familiar scent and your hand on the inside of my thigh in plain sight and your smile that makes me feel invincible and beautiful and certain and strong.
n o t h i n g
Your sparkling eyes drawing a smile out of my tentative face as we rubbed skin against skin. Your squinched face rubbing water away in the shower before you kissed me in the overhead spray, cradled in a lavender and peppermint haze. Your simple way of getting me to say yes to things I’d never have considered before; with you, I’d go anywhere, do anything. I’d follow you without question. I believe in you. I trust you. I say these words often; I wonder if you understand their weight.
The constant need to be closer, closer — for our skin and bones and cells to absorb into some new sort of being — I’ve never needed someone so near we become one and the same.
And it’s these smallest things that tell me yes, that tell me this, you, it’s right. You’re right. We’re right. For all the years with the wrong people, for all the tears and fights and wondering and trying to make things last that never should have begun —
when it’s finally right, it’s so clear. No question, no hesitation. I know it’s you.
Cringe — Matt Maeson