Sometimes I worry that if I constantly tell you how much I miss and need you it will be a huge turn off for you. But. I pretty much want to tell you that constantly. Every time we go 15 minutes without talking.
Most of the time I feel needy and like I care way too much, or confused about why you’re doing this, because it doesn’t really seem like you miss or need me. You tell me the first sometimes, but more often it seems like it’s because I’m upset or I’ve said I miss you.
That’s why I asked if something was different this time. The last week is the first time I’ve realized this isn’t just easy and fine for you.
You just seem…okay most of the time. Like the in-betweens are fine, because eventually we’ll see each other again.
And…I don’t feel like I can actually do anything you need. You’re self-sufficient. Which is not a bad thing. But I realize more all the time that I’m wired to take care of people. And when I don’t feel like I can do anything in that realm, I’m sort of at a loss.
I am learning that about you more and more. Which is why I am trying so hard to help you know all of the ways you already take care of me.
This time is harder.
I have a lot of thoughts on it, but they are kind of jumbled.
I have known, without a doubt, that you were the one for me since about a second before the first time we kissed.
I have loved every second we have spent together since then.
I have hurt every second we have been apart.
But I have tried, and until recently succeeded, at just being ok with that pain.
The six days we spent in KC this last trip were the happiest, most content I have ever been. By a wide margin.
I have known this day, and this feeling of unacceptable levels of missing you has been coming since the first time I joked with you about moving in with me.
I hoped I could make it til you actually did.
I am not ok.
I am stupid in love with you.
And I probably won’t be ok from here on out any night I don’t fall asleep next to you.
Or any day I don’t get to hold you close and feel your head on my shoulder.
Hey. I love you.
I love you.
I don’t want you to be sad or not okay. If that wasn’t clear.
I know you don’t.
And I hesitated telling you that because I don’t want you to feel like you are causing this.
But. I dunno. I think you needed to know.
You are my person.
You are my person.