A dozen times a day, I smile a little smile and think about how much I love you. And then my heart skips, and my throat catches, and my eyes are full of tears.
It’s so much. It’s so good it hurts me. When you aren’t near, I lack. When I am in your arms, nothing else matters. I’d give my whole life for those minutes, half hours, long nights we spend talking quietly in the dark. Those seconds with our faces close together, our legs tangled under your quilt, are my whole universe.
Every moment with you plays over and over in my mind, forever. Someday there won’t be room in my head for anything else. The moment you took my hand the first time in the backseat of a rental car. Sharing whiskey out of a travel mug on the beach. Smiling awkwardly across the table at you during a lull in conversation while we shared Thai food. Our first kiss, when I knew. You knew. Your gentle hands rubbing my feet and palms while my body churned under the ache of being a woman. You slipping downstairs in the dark at midnight with a blanket to fix things when I was sad and mad and hurting and tired. You fix everything. Even when I don’t understand why I’m upset, you’re there, patiently, dripping with more love than I could ever deserve, again and again and again.
I didn’t think love like this existed. I didn’t understand it could. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe, or lack of trying to find it in my own life. I just didn’t know.
I’m more afraid of losing you than of anything else in my whole life. I want you so close to me we melt into the same being. I don’t want to be able to tell where you end and I begin and sometimes, for just a breath, just a second, I can’t. I want to give you everything I have, everything I am, everything I will ever be. I want you, I need you, I love you.
There aren’t enough words. A whole library couldn’t hold it. No amount of commas and Times New Roman and clanging typewriter keys could put a candle to it.
I cannot fathom how there was ever a before, a next, a later. How my heart could beat and my vessels could constrict and my tongue could lick dry lips and my eyelashes could quiver under tears. Sometimes I wonder if my cells rebuilt to a new being when you entered my life. Surely the person I was isn’t the person I am with you. You brought new life to me.
I just love you. Good God, do I love you.
I Just Do — Dear and the Headlights