Cool hands, warm heart; big dreams, false starts

Sometimes I love you so much I’m afraid of it.

Afraid I’m too far ahead,

Afraid you won’t understand, won’t want it.

Afraid I’m putting too much of myself into us, into you.

Afraid I’ll lose sight of how to be strong, steady, independent.

Afraid of how much I need from you.

Turn Around – The Postal Service

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I am yours now

Today I woke up and saw, for the first time, the world we’ve started knitting together.

It’s been here from the very beginning, since late-night texts with nothing held back, since your unabashed crush and my less-believable-all-the-time casual dismissal of it. From the first moment we touched, shared whiskey on the beach, held hands in the backseat. From the only first kiss I’ve ever leaned into without a second thought.

1500 miles apart, when we talk about a life together, it’s here, now. You probably already knew. Like always, you’re half a mile ahead, looking over your shoulder and smiling knowingly.

Our world is so many things I already recognized — everything around us spinning into a gently blurred bokeh as I lose track of anything but your smile and eyes, knowing your hand is always open and waiting for mine as we begin walking, my feet tucked under you whether we’re cuddled on the couch or tangled in bed.

It’s the rules we set and the promises we made without needing to define much at all — not going to sleep angry (even when you have to chase me patiently across the bed to coax my stubborn pout), always knowing exactly when the next visit will occur before the current one ends, setting money aside so I can come back to my family at a moment’s notice if needed.

There is so much to learn still. We will struggle. We will fall in and out of love. We’ll disagree, think only ourselves right, ignore or misread the obvious. Learning to live with someone new is a challenge, always. But knowing we’ve already begun building a life, knowing that life is built on so much good intention and gentleness and kindness and patience, makes every other part — the moving and the sharing a space and merging our things and our privacy and our solitude — seem suddenly manageable.

Islands – The xx

You and me and the dark make light

Today I caught up with an old friend who’d heard about you through the grapevine.

‘What do you like about him? What is it that draws you?’

Without missing a beat, ‘Maybe it’s cheesy or sounds too simple, but he is so good to me.’

I am difficult, emotional, a whirlwind. You haven’t backed down, disappointed, hesitated. Not for a second. Not a single time.

Dead Man’s Dollar – Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness

Time will heal your soul, it’s time

You’ve been sureness, certainty, determination from months and months before I gave it a passing thought, from weeks before we hugged on a quiet block next to Golden Gate Park, from the very beginning.

Your first memories of me are my voice, my smile, that I was cute, that I had a boyfriend, you say.

You deleted dating apps when we started really talking.

When I said I was coming to town in a couple months, you promised yourself you’d spend as much time with me as possible.

The first night I stayed over, you asked me to move in — and for some reason, it didn’t sound crazy, and I knew you meant it, even as you laughed about it.

You want to spend your life with me, you say.

‘I can promise you that the way I feel about you is not changing. Other than to say that I feel it more,’ you say. ‘I am more sure of us than I have been of anything at any point in my life.’

You tell me you’ve always been ten steps ahead of me in this relationship, but it’s okay. You’ll wait for me.

I know this to be true.

In this, in life, in so much, you’re so far ahead of me, but I never feel rushed at all. You’re complete patience, a gentle but persistent hand, walking alongside, encouraging forward, promising it’s safe, okay, the water’s fine.

With you, I will go anywhere, be anything. Better, more, greater. Together, we become so much.

I Don’t Mind — The Head and The Heart

I’m fucking loco, I can’t get through to you

Anxious.

It doesn’t come close.

I have been endless repetitive thought patterns, sick to my stomach, fearful, weak. I have let anxiety make me a stranger in the most comfortable and familiar parts of my world.

I forgot it’s okay to let myself need someone. It’s okay to not know everything right now.

I never knew it’s okay to start over. It’s okay to say yes. It’s okay to dream. It’s okay to not know everything right now.

Hazey – Glass Animals

You’re staring at the sun, you’re standing in the sea

For the first time, I’m afraid of being finite, growing old, dying.

I don’t want to step a moment closer to those inevitable outcomes, not without your fingers wound tightly with mine. I don’t want to run out of adventures. I don’t want these seconds to end.

I want this splice of life to last forever. Wrapped up in your love and your gaze and your contagious laughter. I want you so much.

Because it’s you. It’s always been you — I just didn’t know.

Staring at the Sun – TV On The Radio